Feminism has become a bit of an ugly concept to some. It’s almost a dirty word. Many don’t consider themselves to be feminists and the reasons for this vary. A lot of this is directly related to the appropriation of the wider feminism movement by white, cisgender, heterosexual privilege. This means that I am a female who was born in a female body that identifies as being female, and I am attracted exclusively to the “opposite sex”. That means that I have only ever been sexually and romantically attracted to heterosexual males.
DISCLAIMER: I am privileged. Because I am white, cis-gendered. Because I am heterosexual. Because I grew up in the suburbs in a middle class neighborhood. Because I was never hungry. Because I always had school supplies. Because I didn’t have to pay my own rent in college. When it comes to certain things, I have to really keep that in mind before even opening my mouth. I have to sort out my thoughts and check my privilege.
This is not something that many white and/or cisgendered and/or heterosexual feminists do often or well enough right now. So here’s a discussion of some of the things I’ve noticed in the movement, one at a time. So let’s get to it:
Transgender Erasure
In the realm of transgender issues, many cis-het feminists are stuck in a concept of femininity as having a vagina, experiencing a menstrual cycle, having breasts, conceiving and/or birthing a baby, and other similar constructs.
My self-concept of my own femininity is not solely based on the above mentioned items. I have really had to ponder what it is that makes me identify with my birth sex, and I have a hard time pinning it down. The reason is because many things considered typically feminine to do (painting nails, shopping, pink things, baby obsessions, etc) aren’t how I identify myself in general, or hardly at all. For me, I was told that I was a female growing up, and nothing in my brain said that wasn’t me. Things that did say that are the typically girly things like wearing dresses and skirts, wearing makeup, obsessing over how my nails look, and other obviously “silly girl issues” that you hear and see in our society. I knew I wanted to be a mother (though it is an equally valid choice not becoming a mother), and it doesn’t mean that I don’t occasionally participate in very girly things. For example: I get pedicures because it helps me feel pretty. Not just regular pretty, but girly pink pretty. Also, the foot massages. It’s not a regular thing and even when it is, it’s just a thing I do. It’s not me as a whole.
So, when I learned that there are transgender persons, I didn’t feel the need to do more than think, “Huh, interesting.” My self-concept is not threatened by their journey to self-concept. We each have our own journey where get to learn ourselves and self-determine. So I find it really upsetting that feminists — who should be united in fighting the gender binary concept — are divided based on cisgender. It’s NOT your decision to define who they are, and since that’s what we’re supposed to be against, why are you doing that to someone else? Using only cis-het issues to portray your offense that someone tells you they don’t identify one way or another, according to the very gender binary that is so painful, is astoundingly privileged. So, please stop.
It may take some time, but you have to remember that while the journey as a cis-het woman is one of struggle in many regards, transgender persons actually experience less protection during their struggle. That’s privilege. It doesn’t make you a bad person. Your actions and words would, though. So let’s check our privilege and turn to the next issue.
Other Sexuality Erasure
Again, there are a lot of fairly new terms to learn if you are coming from any of the same privileges that I have. Far beyond just heterosexuality and homosexuality, there is also pansexuality, bisexuality, and asexuality. I fully suspect there are others now or more to come. And that actually doesn’t bother me anymore. I used to joke with friends about how bisexual persons were just being trendy. That they, and anyone who didn’t “pick a side” was just trying to have the best of both worlds. But I learned how closed-minded I was by meeting some these folks. By their label, not mine. I learned by listening, and I had to be called out for my horrible words in a LOT of conversations. It hurt. It was difficult and I had to admit to myself and to others what happened. I learned that if I was not intending to be offensive, I had to work hard at not offending. It was an action on my part. I learned because I care for my friends that changing this was better and that “Political Correctness” really isn’t a thing. It’s a copout. We should improve the world, not conform the persons in it.
I’m also seeing a frightening amount of heterosexual feminists use their personal definitions of sexuality and sexual identification to inflict random and inappropriate judgments upon others. Human sexuality tends to be pretty fluid, and a key concept to feminism at large should be and remain PRO-CHOICE. It is unnecessary to judge another person’s sexuality and sexual identity; doing so denies that person’s right to choose. We don’t want to do that. Their sexuality, their label. If you insist on using your concepts and experiences, you won’t hear what that person is telling you about their sexuality. Listen. Takes notes if necessary. But don’t talk over them and don’t presume your understanding over theirs.
It takes time to understand. It is natural to feel frustration at having to learn new concepts that broadly applicable. Just don’t let it dictate the conversation you can bring to the table. Also, expect to be called out. Practice how to handle it gracefully. You will be and should be called out, in fact. Learn that your intent to define it isn’t as important as giving voice to another person. A person whose voice is already being drowned out far too often. The conversation is already plagued with persons drowning each other out. You may not even understand fully the difference between each label or term, but don’t forget to listen to their own self- label. Whether you agree or not is irrelevant. These concepts are nuanced, not non-existent. Life is funny that way.
White Supremacy Problem
There is a very real problem of micro-aggressions regarding race in the feminist movement. Intended or not, racism and valuing white lives more across the board is still a very real problem in this country. The people you see at the forefront of feminism were almost exclusively white women. This still happens today. The people in the movement given the stage, the mic, and the voice are most often white (mostly) cisgendered women.
They argue that feminism is very important and then ignore the experiences and voices of Women of Color (WoC), who are less protected as they experience and intersection of oppressing systems from both a race and a gender perspective. There are rose colored glasses here that feminism MUST get past. When you ignore the experience of WoC, not only are you not being intersectional in your feminism, you are harming them. And you get offended when you’re called out. Been guilty of it myself. I was raised in the kind of white privilege that is extremely blinding, and when I started learning about the real world, outside of “Whiteville”, it was painful. No, I’m not stating this for sympathy, but as a way to NOT excuse myself from this problem. I fight it daily.
I have seen countless “white feminists” in intersectional spaces talk about how inclusive we should be while denying a voice for WoC, and how to be a feminist in a way that fits what “white feminists” wish it to be. This is also true of their treatment to the LGBTQI communities. That appears to be a feminism to caters to issues that are white centric. It ignores their issues, which don’t apply to “white feminists” specifically because of white privilege. And it ignores how white voices have always had the mic. It leads to interactions where a black woman being offended by a statement by a white woman is somehow more offensive than the original offensive statement, as if to indicate that the black woman should not ever be mad. Or point out the injustices they see or experience.
I have been guilty this. But I fight it, daily. It didn’t immediately hit me, but after a few call outs, I started listening. I learned how I needed to listen, not talk over them, about THEIR experiences. I’m white and do not experience the same types of issues they do because of white privilege and the inherently racist society we live in . Cop doesn’t automatically suspect me for driving a nice car to indicate I have stolen it. I don’t experience mundane things, like traffic stops, escalating to having a gun or taser pulled and/or used on me, or being arrested because I got “mouthy” with the officer. I also haven’t lived in communities where I’m suspected of crimes because of the color of my skin or where I live.
Also, just because I might get some mistreatment at times as a response of centuries of maltreatment, abuse, rape, murder, and slavery, doesn’t mean they’re being racist towards me. It means the color of my skin is representing for them their very oppression, and they’re allowed to be nervous and angry. They deserve to be heard for once. Let them get mad. Let them FEEL mad, and discuss it. If it hurts your feelings because it sounded mean, loud or angry, oh well. Would YOU be quiet if your loved ones were being murdered on the streets of your neighborhood for driving without a license plate, for not signaling a lane change #SandraBland, for walking in your neighborhood #TrayvonMartin #MichaelBrown, for existing……..?
It’s time to stop depending on apologies and centering the discussion around our intent. If your intent is to be an ally, then it’s time to #shutupandlisten and learn how to handle being called out when you’re wrong.
Freethinking Femmes 